I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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