If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
