I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
