You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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