Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize