Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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