sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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