And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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