I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
