well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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