Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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