So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
