he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
