Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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