Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
