Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
