My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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