If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
