We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
i need to put some appletini on your dick
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
