He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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