I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
