I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
one might say we're banned from that church
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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