Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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