you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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