Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
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