I want to make a zoo with you.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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