Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
When did we convert life to cartoon?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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