I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
