You're my little dorito
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
