what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We had sex on a dog bed..
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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