Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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