cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
