My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
