Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
