We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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