Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
