I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
