i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
