i need an iv and a liver transplant
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
