I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
