he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
