ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You are the jesus of drinking
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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