My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
