I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
