I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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