You just made me feel so damn special
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
