just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
