He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
