Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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