well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
