Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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