at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Randomize
