My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
