I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
