yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
