The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
