If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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